[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done