GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
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Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
I get distracted pretty eas
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.