Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
You Might Also Like
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger