“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
*exercises sarcastically*
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
this is me