I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”