Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
buys donuts instead
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?