Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Bartenders are just boneless bars
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.