When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll