Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I really had high hopes for this year though
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*