Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
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I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Everyone’s family
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
50 shades of grey = my Liver
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Chicken bread
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.