Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
You Might Also Like
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.