[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
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My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
She: I like Cats
He:
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass