That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
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Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file