I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed