My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
You Might Also Like
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.