*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
hey, alexa
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
men are simple creatures
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket