AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
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Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Room with a view.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.