You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
(by @ZachWeiner )