“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
How animals would run if they were human
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
I’m giving up for Lent.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.