I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
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Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
If a snake ate a cake
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH