You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving