When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.