Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
You Might Also Like
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.