On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
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Cake!!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU