Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
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At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher