Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
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Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Just as the prophecy foretold
Always leave them wanting their money back.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby