[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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No one :
Me when I swimming :
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!