They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
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Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
i love modern commerce
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut