Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
selena gomez
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”