*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Wife: I鈥檓 leaving you
Me: is it because I won鈥檛 stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can鈥檛 tell you because you鈥檒l try to stop me
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
No. He鈥檚 not coming out to play
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
馃崬馃
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that鈥檚 a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you鈥robably noticed.
The French word for sex is croissant.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.