I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*