date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever