This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Batman v Dracula
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits