Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.