Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
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The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
What the hell happened in there??
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.