*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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We’ve come full circle
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
More like Kate Missington.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire