Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
A family that plays together cheats.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.