The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*