Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
You Might Also Like
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?