i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters