The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
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New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids