Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
waiting for halloween be like:
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
i will not be silenced