Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
2022 will be better than 2021
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.