Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
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I see your IQ test came back negative
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I am also baked goods
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please