Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
looks legit
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper