*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Hero horse inspires millions
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.