I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Who knew!
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am