Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine