Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
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My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.