I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?